Giraffes like Lance Armstrong

At the beginning of my dream, I was very angry and upset with Dan. I was crying my eyes out because he was ditching me for the day. At first he was going to a basketball game, but then it changed and he was ditching me to watch an old lady swim with dolphins, and then it changed again and he was ditching me to go to a Renaissance festival. Somehow I ended up at this festival, and one of the workers took me to the Renaissance race tracks. None of the horses had riders, and they all kept switching directions. Their hair was unkempt, which made them look diseased. After a while, the lady took me out of the race track and back to the festival.

"Those horses are pretty vicious, aren't they?" I said.

"What do you mean?" the Renaissance lady asked.

"Well, I saw a dead body on the track. They must have killed that person."

"That wasn't a person," the lady responded. "That was a giraffe."

"A giraffe?! But it was wearing a livestrong bracelet!"

"Yeah. All giraffes do."

Even in my dream I thought she was crazy.

The Dreams Will Go On and On

For those of you wondering, no, my wedding nightmares have not stopped since I got married almost 3 weeks ago.

The other night I dreamed that I had the chicken pox on my wedding day, and we were doing all we could to cover the spots with makeup.

That's all.

On my Wedding Eve Eve

I dreamed that Dan was already married, and he had just started dating another girl. The new girl was a better dancer than I was, and Dan was sorry that he was hurting me, but he said that he just couldn't help it.

And then I was taking a baby to a changing table to change her diaper. The baby told me that Dan's friend Matt had told her to tell me to bring him back a spoon. I was offended and thought that Matt thought I was stupid. Why wouldn't I get a spoon while I was changing a baby? So I got to the changing table and there was a goldfish bowl with a dead goldfish in it. And I thought, "I can't change her here! I need a living fish!"

After I changed the baby I went to a party with Ellen DeGeneres, and the baby started throwing up. I wasn't sure what to do, but everyone assured me that it would all be ok if I just held the baby upside down and let her puke. Before the dream ended, I realized that she was throwing up pieces of newspaper.

Dream Comic

I love this comic. I usually skip the amnesia part, though.

Wedding Dreams

As my wedding day draws nearer (it's 12 days away for anyone who hasn't been feverishly checking the countdown like I have) I've been having more and more wedding dreams and nightmares. And of course, almost all of them revolve around the dress.

A few weeks ago I dreamed that the weekend of the wedding rolled around, and I didn't have a dress yet. So, naturally, I went to get a dress at the Goodwill caves. And as I was traipsing through the caves, one of my bridesmaids fell off a cliff inside the Goodwill caves. So then I not only had to get a dress, I also had to find a new bridesmaid.

Another time I dreamed that a bear ate my wedding dress. That was all.

A few days ago I dreamed that one of my bridesmaids was wearing my dress, and I was wearing her bridesmaids dress. We were getting some pictures taken, and as soon as those pictures were done we were going to switch dresses. She was also wearing the bra that I was supposed to be wearing with my dress, and I noticed that the bra was sticking up over the top of the dress. So I freaked out. The photographer suggested that we glue the dress to my bridesmaid so that the bra wouldn't show. My only objection was that I ultimately needed to be wearing the dress, and I didn't want it to be stuck to my bridesmaid.

In another dress dream, my wedding dress was brown. My sister/maid of honor had a white dress, but she wouldn't switch with me. And the rest of the bridesmaids looked like Princess Jasmine.

I've also had several dreams in which my wedding is like a performance with evening and matinee showings.

I wonder if these will stop in 12 days...

Ghosts, Helicopters, and Nudity

Last night's dream began with me holding a cup of water. Some of my friends were with me, and they said, "That glass of water is haunted." I thought they were being ridiculous, but I humored them and looked closely at my water. Suddenly I heard ghost-like moaning and noticed the silhouette of a person's face on the side of my glass of water. And then I was a believer.

I woke up at this point and thought, "Wow, scary dream" and then fell back asleep. (And no, I wasn't being sarcastic. In my half-awake stupor, I was actually scared by my haunted glass of water.)

The second dream started with me taking a choir final exam. I was wearing tanning goggles, and I couldn't focus; my mind kept wandering and it was hard to see. Everyone else was done, but I still couldn't remember which way the entire choir was supposed to shift when we sang a certain note. And then my aunt showed up and took me on a helicopter ride. It was an open helicopter, so when she took a sharp turn over open water, I almost fell out. Thankfully, though, I was holding a support bar with one hand and a tiny dog with the other, so I was able to stay in the air. But then I had to go back to my choir final. I was trying to finish it, but then one of my English professors came in and told me that she wanted to condition my hair. So, naturally, I took off all of my clothes. I sat in the hair-conditioning chair and suddenly realized I didn't need to be naked for her to condition my hair. So I said, "Oh, I guess I shouldn't be naked, huh?" and she said, "What? You're naked?" So then I put some clothes on and told her about how I always dream about being naked. And then my aunt showed up again and suddenly she was my choir teacher. She was collecting the exams, but I still hadn't finished. I couldn't focus with the stupid tanning goggles on. She told me that was ok, as long as I finished the test before my English professor graded all of her Shakespeare exams.

And then my mom called and woke me up.

Cars, Midgets, and Skeleton Hands

Last night I dreamed that I went to a Lady Gaga concert, and when I came out, something was wrong with my car. The back end of it seemed taller than it had been before. I looked around the lot to see if I was looking at the wrong car, but my normal-looking car wasn't anywhere in sight. My keys worked on the car, so I figured that I just had never noticed how tall the trunk of my car was until now. So I got into the car and drove somewhere. I got out of the car, and when I came back, there was a note stuck to my windshield. It said something to the effect of "I don't know if you know this or not, but your car is a hearse." So then I freaked out and ran away.

And then there was a part when I was in a car full of midgets and almost got into a wreck because the midget driving didn't like it when his mom referred to him hanging out with his friends as "midget time." (this part was ironic because the boy driving had earlier been one of the tallest girls in my high school, but then she morphed into a boy midget)

And then there was a part when I went on some sort of National Treasure-type search for...something...and I ended up laying down on the skeleton of a hand and breaking it.

I may have woken up in between each these dreams. Maybe that's why none of them seem to connect.

Dream One-Liners

I find quite often that my dreams require only a sentence of explanation rather than a full story. These are usually the most bizarre of my dreams. Here's a sampling of some of my best dream one-liners:

• There was a deer attached to my spine.
• I watched as two people committed suicide by jumping down a giant chimney (into Hell, I think) while they yelled "I hate suicide." Irony.
• I owned a walk-in microwave. Worst idea ever.
• I went to a Holocaust theme park. New worst idea ever.
• I wanted to sunbathe in my backyard, but Ozzy Osbourne and his groupies were landscaping my lawn.
• My cat died because he ran into an electric fence named Heath Ledger.

Dog Dream

My mom and I were standing in our living room and talking about going to Petsmart to get stuff for our dogs. Neither of us had time to go, so we turned to our little dachshund/chihuahua Trixie and said, "Ok Trix, why don't we just give you the car keys and the credit card and you go buy yourself something nice."

So she left with the car, and after a while she came back with nothing. And I said, "Trixie, you had the credit card! Why in the world didn't you buy anything!"

And then my mom and I realized we were being ridiculous. "She's a dog" we said. "She can't carry stuff in by herself!" (Not "she can't drive" or "she can't use a credit card" but "she can't carry stuff in"). So we went out to the car and, sure enough, the backseat was full to the brim with dog food, treats, and toys.

I later had a dream in which Trixie was smoking and dancing to Billy Joel music.

A.D.D. Dream

Ok, so I lied in my last post. I will not be discussing the "where are my pants" dreams just yet. Instead I wanted to tell you all about a recent dream that all but overwhelms me. So much happened in one night, I don't even know how to handle it.

I cut a guy's dreadlocks off so that I could give one to everyone in the world for hope. Everyone in the world was going to get a dreadlock from one guy. That's crazy.

And then the dream changed, and I was telling someone about the previous dream. It's possible that I woke up briefly, thought, "I should remember this" and my subconscious strove to do just that by having a second dream about the same thing.

And then the dream changed again, and I was watching Jane Austen's life. In my dream she had been married, and her husband died. His ghost would visit every now and then, so they were able to stay together. But then another ghost came into the picture, and Jane Austen had an affair with him. Her husband didn't mind that so much, but then she decided to paint the house that they had lived in, and that made him mad so he never visited her again.

And then the dream changed and I was telling someone about the Jane Austen dream.

And then the dream changed again, and my sister was going to be on a beach volleyball game show with Arnold Schwarzenegger. I don't remember much about this, but I do remember making jokes about hairballs. I have no idea what that has to do with anything.

And then the dream changed again, and I was telling my sister about the game show. And I remember telling her that she could sleep at my apartment if hers was too cold or something. Apparently my dream self didn't know we live in different states.

And then the dream changed for a final time and my fiance and I were playing some sort of hide-and-seek game where he was Darth Vader and I was the Phantom of the Opera.

I woke up exhausted and decided never again to write a paper for my Jane Austen class right before bed.

Recurring Themes

The closest thing I've ever had to a recurring dream, I had when I was about 10. I only had the dream twice, and even then it had some differences, so I'm not really sure it counts. The first time I had this dream, I was riding my bike down the street, and I was kidnapped and kept in someone's garage. The second time I had this dream, I was rollerblading down the street, and I was kidnapped and kept in someone's garage. It wasn't a particularly exciting dream either time. I always got away at the very end.

What I have just recently realized that I have are recurring themes in my dreams, the most prominent of which being nudity or partial nudity. One partially nude dream that I have quite often is what I like to call the "a-little-too-public toilet dream."

Sometimes the toilet is in the middle of a classroom. It's the only toilet there, I'm sitting on it, and a professor is in the middle of teaching. No one notices that I'm on a toilet with my pants down, but I know that as soon as I stand up, they will. I'm tired of sitting on the toilet, though, and I really want to stand up. Dilemma.

Sometimes the toilet is one of many in a unisex public bathroom with no stalls. I'm peeing next to a pregnant woman in a bikini who keeps talking about how she wants to drive with me Greece, in my car that has just morphed into a sheep that vomits streamers. There are many dilemmas in this dream, and surprisingly the fact that I'm peeing in public is not one of them.

Stay tuned for my next entry, where I plan to delve into my "where'd my pants go" dreams.

The Man with All the Answers

I've decided to start a blog, and I must start my first post with that obligatory statement. You know I decided to start a blog, obviously, because this blog exists, and you are reading it. And yet I cannot stop myself from writing this "duh" paragraph. I kinda hate myself for it.

Anyway, I've decided to start a blog combining two of my favorite things: quotes from musicals ("I dreamed a dream" from Les Miserables - shame on you if you didn't know that) and my actual weird dreams. It should be interesting, and it might get graphic.

To start out with, I'd like to tell you a dream that I had about a year ago. I call it "The Man with All the Answers."

I was running down the street (do you like my dream font?) after a powder blue Prius, because I knew that in that Prius was the man with all the answers. I had some questions, so it was imperative that I catch him. Suddenly, a bunch of cop cars flooded out of the side streets and swarmed around the man with all the answers. I panicked, because obviously the man with all the answers was in trouble, and I didn't want to be in trouble by association, so I ducked down a side street to hide between an 18-wheeler and a pregnant cow. And then I watched as the cops surrounded the Prius and shot the man with all the answers. Distraught and knowing I would never have any of my questions answered, I averted my eyes just in time to watch the cow give birth to kittens. Just another question to which I would never know the answer.